Satisfying Conversations

I don't like the way modern conversation has evolved. Actually, I suppose the problems with how we converse with one another are not new, but I must say I find most conversations today are more like contest centering on winning, not sharing.

Social media does  not help much because of the new shorthand that dominates communication. most Maybe that's because two fingered texting, has replaced ten fingered typing and the page is now a small box that matches our small attention spans. 

Sadly, LOL!, Good Stuff!, Cool! or Praying! are now considered appropriate responses to any of life's wide-ranging maladies, victories, tragedies, joys losses and even death. "My husband died" can be efficiently covered now to with a "Like", or writing "Praying" or adding a short comment and adding a smiling, frowning or crying emoticon. Think about the Golden Rule in your sharing.  If all you can muster when someone is hurting badly is "Praying", I have to wonder how much that promise plays out past the moment? 

Regardless of how we connect with others in cyber space, I think there ought to be some overarching principles that can assist with the creation of a far more satisfying verbal - or written converse. Here are six ideas taken from my own flawed experience that I get to post because I blog.

1) Listen more than you speak. Obviously if both parties practice this to a fault there, will be silence, something I almost never witness. Sometimes silence is the best way to communicate because it offers time to think and consider the moment.  Thoughtful people appreciate a few gaps of silence, but unfortunately, silence is uncomfortable for most so it's just fire away with all our verbal guns blazing.  If someone broaches a subject that is important enough for them to mention, go with it, don't change it to yours.

2) Don't assume your responses must all be anecdotal. There are people who can not listen to another's story, woes, joys or pain without interjecting their own story, often suffocating the spontaneity of the moment with not-so-clever musings. Usually the boss is the only one who can get away with being long winded and completely anecdotal with every utterance. Short and sweet beats long and boring every time.  

3) Don't try to top the other person's story.  If I am tickled because I found gas for a dollar a gallon, don't feel the need to say you found it for ninety eight cents.  If my wife's child labor lasted three hours, don't think that telling her yours lasted four hours will add anything to the moment. Just go with the original comment and don't assume everything ought to be overshadowed by your amazingness.

Once a fellow pastor assigned to a very small church called me to tell me they had reached thirty in attendance. I reacted immediately by saying "We had forty seven!" Almost every rule above was broken in that very short exchange. I deflated his joy and minimized his achievement in three short words. I have regretted that moment for many years and try to avoid doing it now. 

4) Rejoice, mourn or sympathize with the speaker before you think about how you are going to change the subject or overwhelm with your experience. Focus on this moment, not the next moment. We don't need our immediate feelings minimized, marginalized or monopolized by yours, we need your interest and support.  Steven Covey says it well: Seek to understand before seeking to be understood. 

One time we had friends visiting in the Fall, and I had spent the better part of two days raking leaves (before blowers were around). I bagged and placed about thirty bags by the curb, and when the guests arrived I pointed out the number of bags on the curb. one of them immediately responded with: "Oh, that's nothing! WE had fifty!" See the problem? I foolishly thought my labor was worth something, but in one instant, two days of awful work were tossed aside as being insignificant by six rashly spoken words.

5) Act interested, even surprised, when someone shares a thought or a feeling. Go with the moment for their sake and don't think about anything but them. 

6) Don't finish other people's sentences, or nod to get them to stop talking, unless they are breaking principle number one, or two, or three... Remember, we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. 

Some think the purpose of conversation is to bring the focus to themselves, so no one else really matters. I  have been that person far too many times, and I continue to be that way more than I like, but maybe writing (and reading?) this blog is my way of apologizing for past blunders and hopefully contributing a more civil discourse in the future.  

I'm learning.  

Jack