The Dying Art of Satisfying Conversation

I chafe from the way the art of human conversation has evolved. Actually, I suppose the problems I have with the way we talk are not new, but they are becoming far more dominant and far less civil.
In short, I find that most conversations today are far more about winning the point than they are about sharing the moment.

(I am not only referring to verbal communications, but also to cyber conversations.  Regardless of how we connect with others, I think there ought to be some guidelines that will assist with the creation of far more satisfying converse.)

Here are a few suggestions toward a more civil state of communication that clearly dominate my psyche:

1) Listen more than you speak. Obviously, if both parties practice this to a fault there will be mostly silence, but I suspect that two polite people will even appreciate large gaps of silence. If someone broaches a subject that is important enough to mention, go with their flow, not yours.

2) Don't assume your responses must all be anecdotal. Everyone enjoys a good story, but some folks I know have nothing to contribute if it isn't about themselves. Yes there are plenty of folks who can not listen to another's story, sympathize with their woes or embrace their pain without interjecting their own anecdote, often trampling the other person's need at that moment.

3) Don't try to top the other person's story. This one irritates me the most. If I say I found gas for a dollar a gallon, don't respond with the fact that you found it for ninety nine cents. Just go with the original comment and don't assume that everything must be overshadowed by your amazingness.


4) Rejoice, mourn or sympathize with the speaker before you think about your own examples. We don't need to have our feeling minimized, marginalized or monopolized by yours. Steven Covey says it well; Seek to understand before you seek to be understood.


Here are a few quick examples that happen to me in my life that have remained unhealed wounds. In some I was the offender. Others, the offended.


Once years ago a fellow pastor assigned to a very small church called me to tell me they had reached thirty in attendance. I reacted immediately by saying "We had 47!" Almost every rule above was broken in that very short exchange. I deflated the joy of my friend and minimized his achievement in three words. I have regretted that for many years and he knew then what kind of a person I was. I have since apologized.

One time we had friends visiting in the Fall, and I had spent the better part of two days raking leaves (before blowers were around). I bagged and placed about thirty bags by the curb, and when the guests arrived I mentioned that fact. The wife immediately responded with, "That's nothing! WE had almost fifty!" See the problem? I foolishly thought my labor was worth something, but in one instant, two days of awful work were tossed aside as insignificant by six words.

I once shared that I had undergone a surgery that was healing well. Without even a reference to my statement, I immediately heard them shift to a completely different subject never mentioning my original statement. They needed to talk about themselves at any cost.

Or my favorite relates to labor pain or golf stories. The first person to speak does so at their own risk.
"I was in labor for twelve hours" is often greeted by, "Boy you are one lucky lady/ I was in labor for sixteen hours." Or, "I shot a 78 today." Answer: "I never took two puts on the back nine." I sometimes say the first liar doesn't have a chance.

Conclusion:


The examples of rude conversation  are rife, at least in my life.  I do my best to emulate the people who make me feel good when we make contact. They are interested in what I say, they ask good questions or respond with understanding, even humor, not lectures or amazing anecdotes about themselves.

My wife is such a person, and I don't know anyone who doesn't like to be with her. I know others too who are seriously interested in what others have to say more than themselves. Clearly they are secure in themselves, even humble, so much that they don't think it's important to turn every spotlight on themselves. In fact, getting them to talk about their lives is more difficult than lighting a match in the wind.

I need to stop, but if all I have done is make you aware of the need to listen more and win less, my efforts are worthwhile.  Yes, I still do it wrong more than I like, but fortunately I still chafe every time. It's a journey folks.