The Miracle of Turning Mourning Into Comfort

The Miracle of Turning Mourning Into Comfort

"Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted". Book of Matthew.

The Beatitudes are familiar platitudes that offer instruction and direction in the nature of righteousness and hope for the afflicted.

  

Taken at face value, the often interchangeable words Blessed and Happy are useful images of grace, but they fall short of reaching the full meaning of the original word "Blessed". In fact, it's not unreasonable to ask how things like meekness, woundedness, persecution and poverty can lead to happiness or a sense of being blessed. 

The mystical overtone of these promises defies common logic and leaves one wondering how it is possible to feel really good in bad situations. Some suggest that the back-loaded reward of each beatitude is not intended to be paid here and now but cashed in on that eternal day when all the crooked ways will be straight and the uneven places leveled. In truth the last beatitude suggests that those brave souls who are  persecuted for being righteous now will rejoice and be exceedingly glad because their reward in heaven will be great. 

It's easy to get into some trouble expecting that all the promises will accrue here on earth, yet there is some immediate reason for hope when reading "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled" or "Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

That sounds like now to me.

cal review of each beatitude, I want to focus on the issue of mourning and comfort because there is an overwhelming need for comfort, just in my world.  

Mourning is not something anyone willingly seeks, but is something that comes at times of loss. I have learned that the more intimate the loss, the more intense the mourning experience will be. If I spill a cup of coffee, I have an easily remedied loss on my hands, and my mourning should be limited to a flash of gentle anger or a splash of mild self reproach. 

As the consequences and intimacy of one's loss increases, however, the duration and intensity of mourning increase proportionally. When we lose things we may mourn, but because  a reasonably accommodating solution is within our grasp, we forget and go on. 

But when we lose people, important people, or some other irreplaceable commodity, the loss is unspeakably painful and maddeningly persistent. 

Human loss, the most exquisite of losses, takes many forms such as divorce, breakups, abandonments, separations, and the most difficult of all, death. So, as long as there is a possibility for recovery, there is hope. But when death removes our hope of reunion, it's opposite, despair sets in. 

Some people of faith take comfort in the idea that there will be some sort of happy reunion in the hereafter, so the sting of death is removed, at least to a degree and St. Paul suggests that without hope, we are most miserable people. 

He was right. Clearly a loss of some hope leads to despair, but a
complete loss of hope leads to desperation. When we witness a desperate act, there is a hopeless person behind it. 

I understand that some forms of mourning pass quicker than others. When I lost my aging parents, five weeks apart, I grieved intensely several months. And while I continue to mourn now, the acute pain is gone, replaced by fond but fading memories.  

Last year my sister's husband died instantly, without warning. My brother and friend of fifty years was suddenly gone. I still can't believe it and feel a loss that isn't easily overcome - as if overcoming such a loss is the best way to handle such moments. While my mourning was great, my sister's was far greater, and is still acute, every hour of every day. 

Yes, there are things we learn from our losses, hopefully many things, great losses always occupy our frontal lobe. Even when we hear someone is "doing okay", we fool ourselves into thinking that everything is back to normal for them, and they have "gotten on". Truthfully, with great loss there is no more acceptable normal. 

One friend lost her husband four years ago, and when asked how she is doing, she says, "Life goes on but it's not fun anymore". Another couple lost their beloved adult daughter about the same time, and while they don't sit around crying all day, they do spend a great deal of time thinking, sometimes weeping and always lamenting their unthinkable loss. 

Stories abound in all our lives about tragic losses of one kind or another.  Fortunately, there are two dynamics relating to loss that we can address: mourning and comfort. When Jesus said those who mourn will be comforted, even atheists pay attention. 

I BEATITUDE

In the Ancient Hellenistic Greek world, in which may New Testament teachings germinated, the word Blessed took two meanings. 

One was Beatitude, meaning emotional or eternal wellness. It was used to suggest that the inner person can find strength in difficult situations. 

Later Jesus used the word Blessed to describe a spiritual wellness that counters unseemly things like mourning, poorness, suffering and meekness. Such promises are not merely impractical words, but rest on the buttresses of internal strength and emotional calm, which in most cases is enough to carry one through tough times. 

When an individual has inner strength, or the order that creates peace, there is not much they can not overcome. The word Beatitude is variously interpreted as Blessed and/or Happy. Robert Schuller's best selling book, The Be Happy Attitudes went a long way to popularize the inherent power of positive thinking when confronted by difficult situations. It is in the inner parts of our psyche where the biggest battles are won...or lost.

II FELICITY

The other word the Greeks used to describe Blessing is Felicity, or those things related to one's physical and external prosperity. People tend to look at health, wealth or human symbols of success as blessings, even though such things may be the results of hard work, and sometimes good luck. 

For the record, Bill Gates wasn't blessed when he created Microsoft. He paid the price of success and was smart enough, when presented with opportunities,  investing 10,000 lonely hours learning how to make computers hum. The same is true for great musicians, doctors, artists, athletes or teachers. (See Malcolm Gladwell's book, Outliers for more on this subject).

[SIDEBAR: Contrary to what some say, our beautiful house is not a Felicity, it's the result of hard work, saving, sacrificing, wise choices and then making monthly payments, none of which were given to us. Some like to argue that it came from God, but I think if he gave it to us, there would be no loose ends, like mortgage payments. His blessings are undeserved graces, not hard-won outcomes.

Further, if he is in the giving away houses to good people business, why are some mafia homes better than ours, or Mother Teresa types worse?  Does he love some more or less than others?  Or does God operate on a sliding scale that rewards Americans more than Africans? 

Certainly I am grateful for our home, grateful that we have the skills and opportunities to earn the money to pay for it, grateful that I don't live in Nigeria and grateful that we have the capacity to make good choices regarding our resource allocation.]

When I started thinking about the nature of blessing, and the promise of comfort for my mourning sister and others, I discovered what it is that transforms mourning into comfort. It isn't achieved accidentally or automatically, but is both a mystery and an equation. 

First, look at what happens to mourning when three "Blessings" are removed from the equation:

 Mourning - Hope = Despair

 Mourning - Love =  Fear

 Mourning - Time =  Confusion/Turmoil

The absence of time, love and hope leave a mourner in a terrible state. Look at the three results above and see if that does not represent the early stages of mourning. If those three graces are not applied to the mourning soul, it lingers in a dark place.

Fortunately, there is another way of looking at mourning by adding the same three graces:

Mourning + Hope = Peace

Mourning + Love =  Trust

Mourning + Time =  Perspective/Calm

The transformational nature of grace is the secret behind the promise of comfort for the mourning. Grace comes, just as Beatitude does, first to the inner person via words of comfort, and second Felicitously to external issues through the loving and ongoing actions that practically demonstrate the positive power of love, hope and time. 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted - by those who care. The miracle happens every time. 

Jack C. Getz

February 24, 2016

Sent from Jack's iPad

Satisfying Conversations

I don't like the way modern conversation has evolved. Actually, I suppose the problems with how we converse with one another are not new, but I must say I find most conversations today are more like contest centering on winning, not sharing.

Social media does  not help much because of the new shorthand that dominates communication. most Maybe that's because two fingered texting, has replaced ten fingered typing and the page is now a small box that matches our small attention spans. 

Sadly, LOL!, Good Stuff!, Cool! or Praying! are now considered appropriate responses to any of life's wide-ranging maladies, victories, tragedies, joys losses and even death. "My husband died" can be efficiently covered now to with a "Like", or writing "Praying" or adding a short comment and adding a smiling, frowning or crying emoticon. Think about the Golden Rule in your sharing.  If all you can muster when someone is hurting badly is "Praying", I have to wonder how much that promise plays out past the moment? 

Regardless of how we connect with others in cyber space, I think there ought to be some overarching principles that can assist with the creation of a far more satisfying verbal - or written converse. Here are six ideas taken from my own flawed experience that I get to post because I blog.

1) Listen more than you speak. Obviously if both parties practice this to a fault there, will be silence, something I almost never witness. Sometimes silence is the best way to communicate because it offers time to think and consider the moment.  Thoughtful people appreciate a few gaps of silence, but unfortunately, silence is uncomfortable for most so it's just fire away with all our verbal guns blazing.  If someone broaches a subject that is important enough for them to mention, go with it, don't change it to yours.

2) Don't assume your responses must all be anecdotal. There are people who can not listen to another's story, woes, joys or pain without interjecting their own story, often suffocating the spontaneity of the moment with not-so-clever musings. Usually the boss is the only one who can get away with being long winded and completely anecdotal with every utterance. Short and sweet beats long and boring every time.  

3) Don't try to top the other person's story.  If I am tickled because I found gas for a dollar a gallon, don't feel the need to say you found it for ninety eight cents.  If my wife's child labor lasted three hours, don't think that telling her yours lasted four hours will add anything to the moment. Just go with the original comment and don't assume everything ought to be overshadowed by your amazingness.

Once a fellow pastor assigned to a very small church called me to tell me they had reached thirty in attendance. I reacted immediately by saying "We had forty seven!" Almost every rule above was broken in that very short exchange. I deflated his joy and minimized his achievement in three short words. I have regretted that moment for many years and try to avoid doing it now. 

4) Rejoice, mourn or sympathize with the speaker before you think about how you are going to change the subject or overwhelm with your experience. Focus on this moment, not the next moment. We don't need our immediate feelings minimized, marginalized or monopolized by yours, we need your interest and support.  Steven Covey says it well: Seek to understand before seeking to be understood. 

One time we had friends visiting in the Fall, and I had spent the better part of two days raking leaves (before blowers were around). I bagged and placed about thirty bags by the curb, and when the guests arrived I pointed out the number of bags on the curb. one of them immediately responded with: "Oh, that's nothing! WE had fifty!" See the problem? I foolishly thought my labor was worth something, but in one instant, two days of awful work were tossed aside as being insignificant by six rashly spoken words.

5) Act interested, even surprised, when someone shares a thought or a feeling. Go with the moment for their sake and don't think about anything but them. 

6) Don't finish other people's sentences, or nod to get them to stop talking, unless they are breaking principle number one, or two, or three... Remember, we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. 

Some think the purpose of conversation is to bring the focus to themselves, so no one else really matters. I  have been that person far too many times, and I continue to be that way more than I like, but maybe writing (and reading?) this blog is my way of apologizing for past blunders and hopefully contributing a more civil discourse in the future.  

I'm learning.  

Jack

Greatest Loser Of All Time

The Greatest Loser of All Time

We have all been privy to losing quarterback Cam Newton's post Super Bowl press conference. He appeared on the podium slumped over, hiding inside a "hoodie",  giving one word, or very short, terse answers to questions about the game. He was justifiably upset with the outcome of the game, but his angry demeanor (or was it his woundedness or embarrassment?) generated a huge amount of negative press coverage in the following week.

Was he angry? It looked like it. Was he blaming his teammates? Some say he was. Was he childish? Many said yes, but some apologists suggested he was justified because he is such a great competitor, and all great competitors hate losing.

I am sure that losing irks every champion, and the higher the stakes, the greater the disappointment and frustration. Champions hate losing at anything, something Cam alluded to to at a later date. He suggested that anyone who was a champion at heart was not a very good loser.

Well, that's where I draw the line. I think Cam, at his young age, would do well to take a trip to Ohio and spend time with the greatest winner - and loser - of all time: Jack Nicklaus.  Mr. Nicklaus's is clearly a champion and a competitor, demonstrated by his incomparable golfing achievements, led by his eighteen major tournament victories, a record which will probably stand long after he is gone.

Okay, Nicklaus is clearly a great winner but I say he was an ever greater loser? Gary Player, the great South African golfing icon usually makes this point when reflecting on Jack's place as a god of golf. Player says that everyone knows how great a golfer and champion Jack is but, he was always more impressed by how gracious a loser he was.

For the record, Mr. Nicklaus won his amazing aforementioned eighteen major tournaments, but possibly even more amazing, he finished second nineteen times, in the top five fifty-six times. and in the top twenty five almost one hundred times.   So what you say?  Well, I say that finishing second in a major golf tournament may be even harder on someone than losing a super bowl.

Why? A golf tournament begins on Thursday and ends on Sunday, not even taking into account the practice rounds on Tuesday or Wednesday. That's four days of tournament hard work, requiring unending, intense focus, and mind numbing pressure, often taking place in inclement, hot or cold weather...walking all the way. There is no break for a golfer while while the defense takes the field. It's all about every shot, every decision, every crazy fan yelling "You the man!", and every gust of wind that alters all of one's careful calculations. 

One of Jack's British Open tournaments where he had yet another win, "in the bag" he watched asTom Watson chipped one in from an awful lie off the green to win, or witness Lee Trevino sinking a thirty footer to snatch victory on the last shot of another important tournament. Jack often won tournaments by breaking another competitor’s heart so he kept a balanced demeanor, win or lose.

To lead a golf major tournament may be among the most pressurized situations an athlete can experience. And finishing second, close enough to smell the roses, must be crushing. Golf fans see something like this happen almost every week, cringing or exalting when a competitor misses a four foot putt to lose or drains a forty footer to win a tournament. In virtually every case Jack Nicklaus, or virtually any other golfer agrees to answer questions, not sit, sulk or storm out of an interview.

Nineteen times in major tournaments he finished in second place, and each time, Jack sought out the winner, shook his hand and said something positive and encouraging to him. In retrospect, that example may have been as important to the champion of the trophy.

Yes, winning may build a resume, but losing builds a reputation. Jack's resume and reputation are without blemish and while Cam's resume is amazing, he would be wise to learn how to lose with a little more grace, from the greatest loser of all time, Jack Nicklaus.